It has been over a year since I have blogged about anything. Surely enough, a lot can happen in such a short time span. Since then, I have crossed the stage for my undergraduate education, I have loved, I have been heart broken, and I continue to see adversity in the face.
I think the first thing I want to touch on- it being the most recent thing- is love and all that comes with it. You know, we always hear about the beauty of loving and we hear about the destruction that being love can cause. But, we never quite understand this until it happens. I've always heard that to be in love is many times to be another you- not necessarily losing yourself, although this might happen- but to become a version of you, you never knew could exist. To love is to learn to characterize every other emotion in your being as one thousand times more magnificent. What do I mean by this? I mean that for once, every other emotion that could be subtle and controlled, no longer is. I thought I knew what pain was. I've hurt in many other aspects of life- family, friendship, educational failures- I thought I knew what it meant to "hurt." But the "hurt" that is felt when you add love to the mix- there is no hurt like it. I now understand what my closest friends mean when they say it "hurts to breathe." It is an indescribable pain. One that makes no sense. Physically, you are thriving; you are well. But deep inside, this notion of breathing and living really gets challenged. The term "heartbroken" truly lives to its name. Every breath that is taken when hurting for reasons of love seems to be another small tear in the deepest parts of the heart. It's a pain that has no cure- so it seems- for a very long time. Now, this does not mean that love is always this way. There are other aspects of it, too. You see how bad pain can be? Happiness takes a whole other meaning when you are in love.
You know that feeling when you are 5 years old and you are about to go on the big kid swing all on your own? The one where you are finally able to swiftly move your legs in a way where, for once, you feel like you are going against all rules of gravity? Imagine the intensity of that feeling multiplied a hundred times. Happiness takes a whole other definition when in love. It can be something as small- yet big- as a look in the eye. You learn that the lock of a gaze is no longer as insignificant as you thought it would be. For once, you can sit and look at someone of your heart's choosing and feel an array of mixed emotions. Happiness suddenly becomes a term that involves the sound of a beating heart, the feeling of sweaty palms, and worst of all- the mixed array of fear. So, yes, love is SO complicated. Every emotion you once thought you understood- done; over. Love can tend to turn our beings upside down. The notion of love can make our worlds shake, so to say. And, fuck, does it hurt sometimes. But you know what, if you are reading this because you are trying to understand that yucky feeling after a failed relationship or a failed dating thing you had going on, I have to tell you this- the feeling is truly going to go away. Sooner or later. I always wish for sooner, but I've learned that the heart is mysterious and doesn't work that way sometimes. I'm not going to say to suck it up and that you're worth so much more blah, blah, blah. I'm going to say this- Today, you got up. today, you got dressed, and today you went out into the world. And if you didn't, please do. No matter the pain, you are still here and you can get through this. I found that going on jogs has been my best bet. Jogs help me keep my mind off everything but the goal that is in front of me at the moment- to not allow my legs to give up. So, get up! Go- pick up a new hobby and keep your mind off the heartbreak. I truly believe in you.
For those of you who are happily in love and in the wonderful cloud of love and yucky, gooey love (LOL), I am happy for you. You deserve the love you feel and the love that is corresponded towards you. At the end of the day, love is part of the human experience (at least I like to think so).
